by bowlhiker » Tue Dec 31, 2013 8:45 am
For years I thought if I just had enough money, lived in the right place, could put the right combination of booze and drugs together, had the right things, made the right turns, hung out with the right people, wore the right clothes, drove the right car, etcetera, I'd be happy. Then, I'd have it all. Then, I'd be what I dreamed about as a kid. You see, I never wanted my life -- I wanted everyone else's. Or, I was "waiting to be happy".
It started when I put down the drugs and the booze. Then it got worse -- because I didn't know how to live any other way. Then it started to get better -- slowly. About 2 years ago, I quit waiting to be happy. I started practicing (sounds crazy. but for me, practicing to be happy -- takes practice) to be happy. Some days were better than others. But what I get now, is that my happiness isn't based on some event in the future. For example I get excited about powder days. But if I wake up and it didn't snow, I'm going skiing anyway. I just look around, feel the moment. If I just stay in the moment, realize that with all its sham and drudgery it's still a beautiful world, things just go better for me.
For me, what is happiness? I don't know. I don't want to predict it. I'd rather just feel each moment. But I know I don't want to judge. If I die right now, then that's how it's supposed to be. If I can realize that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, then I don't have to think or wonder. I can just...be.
It doesn't always go as planned. The other day at Aspen (jeezus, I really have to practice this stuff at Aspen -- those people there!), this woman gets on the chair with me and starts bitching about my headphones. Says "they're dangerous", because if she was coming up behind me I couldn't hear her. I then proceeded to tell her "Lady, there's two things wrong with what you just said. One, I'm not going to be skiing anywhere near you are. Two, you totally don't get that it's you whose responsible for what's in front of you". Then I threw in some more salty language.
But by the end of the chair lift ride, I realized I was being a dick. I didn't consider her fears. It was all about me -- the fabulous me. Then I told her I was sorry I popped off. By then end of chair lift I told her "If I wasn't married, I'd ask you for a date -- and you'd be crazy to say yes". She then laughed and we parted ways friendly.
So as part of this, I need to realize the considerations of others. I need to get that Republicans have their concerns, too. So if I make the conversation about them, listen to their concerns, it just goes better. There doesn't have to be agreement. It becomes about a conversation between two people. It's not making me right or them wrong.
In May I went to the Stones Concert at the Staples Center. There were protestors out in front who were similar to the Westboro crowd. Hate signs with vulgar names, saying anyone who goes to a Stones concert is...one of the vulgar names on their signs. Instead of yelling at them, I had a conversation with one of them. First he started yelling at me. But when he got that I was listening to his concerns, the conversation changed. He calmed down, quit yelling at me. By the end of the conversation he was inviting me to pray with him. I politely declined. We shook hands, I went inside and saw the Glimmer Twins.
I just tried to be there with him and his concerns. I put aside right and wrong, his judgment and perceived morality. I was just there with him. I think he got that.
I was happy about how I handled the conversation.
I've been mad at Harald for years. But I never once considered where he's at. I can line up all kinds of things to stand in the way of my "Happiness". I can bitch about Republicans and Democrats, come up with all kinds of complaints about the world around me. But when I put them all aside, all the sudden there's space. I see things as being perfect.
Happy New Year.